I want to tell you a story. but just before I do, let me explain (and give you the heads up that it's about a 10-min read, so if you don't have time now, come back when you do, because I really want to share this with you.) .........................
Life Lessons: the title of a book I picked up my first week in Fremantle. it's by 2 experts/counselors/authors on death & dying - which sounds quite morbid and you might ask why I'm reading something like that, but it's a book to teach us what those who have learned, only in hindsight, what really matters in life. in a sense, this is why I went to Australia -- to discover what is really important, to me, through experiencing aloneness, adventure, unknown terrain, etc.
the book guides the reader through the lessons of authenticity, love, relationships, loss, power, guilt, time, fear, anger, play, patience, surrender, forgiveness, and happiness.
what is life really about?? why are we here? what is our purpose? is this really how I want to live my life? What is the meaning of life?
I don't think we will ever stop asking these questions, but since I've been privileged enough to take a long break from "real life" to think about it, I wanted to share with you the "Final Lesson" in the book which really resonated with me.
Not too long ago, we were talking with an old friend. To our astonishment, this successful and beautiful forty-three year old physician complained of being unhappy.
She shared with us that she did not like her job, which really surprised us. We knew that she was a successful physician and professor of medicine at a major university--still she wanted more. "But you've got a great career," we noted. "Is there something wrong?"
"I don't feel happy professionally."
When she told us she didn't feel she was contributing enough to society, we asked "Don't you still spend every Friday volunteering at the free clinic? Don't you still lecture and teach for free whenever you can? You donate to quite a few charities too right?"
"Yes," she replied. "But it's not enough."
When she started talking about getting plastic surgery, we were floored. "A simple face lift," she said, "a chin implant and a little collagen."
There's nothing wrong with plastic surgery, but we were sitting with a beautiful woman who did not need any help and seemed to be aging without so much as a wrinkle.
Finally, she asked us for our opinion. We looked at each other, wondering who had taught our friend this nonsense. This woman-happily married, smart, successful, beautiful, wealthy, highly respected--had an embarrassment of riches, yet she felt as if she were underachieving, ungiving, and inferior looking. Perhaps she needed to work on her internals, rather than the externals. If she couldn't feel the success she had, how could she feel any more? if she didn't appreciate her beauty now, why would she feel different after plastic surgery? If she didn't feel good about the gifts she was giving, would donating more time and money make a difference to her? Working on the externals wasn't helping: she needed to realize just how wonderful and giving she already was.
Like this woman, most people today have been given everything they need to make their life work. Not everyone is as accomplished and as beautiful as she is. She is a good example only because she is such an obvious one. Most people have all they need to be happy--but are not. We're not happy with what we have accomplished, big or small. We are not content with our looks. But the truth is, we are never as unattractive as we feel. It's out inner experiences that are lacking. We have been given all we need to have a fulfilling, meaningful, and happy experience of life. We just don't recognize our own gifts, or goodness.
In counseling, people often discount or deny their goodness. Some of the most committed, giving, and loving people seem unaware of the impact they have on the world. From presidents of charities to the clergy, to those who work tirelessly to prevent intolerance, they seem painfully unaware of their goodness. They seems to lack the ability to see the truth about who they really are.
We often share this story with these individuals: There once was a man with a pure heart who performed good deeds. He also made mistakes, but that didn't matter, no only because he did so many wonderful things, but because he learned from his errors. Unfortunately, he was so aware of his good deeds that he became full of himself.
God realized that a good person who made mistakes but contuinued evolving would be okay, but one who because prideful would never find happiness. So He took away this man's ability to see his good deeds, saving that knowledge until his mortal work was done. The man continued doing good deeds, and all those around him appreciated them, but he himself never felt them or understood how much good he was doing. Finally, at the end of his life, God showed him all the good deeds he had done.
Often, we don't recognize our goodness until the end of life. We need to remember that we are here to try to remember our goodness and remind each other of our preciousness, and the miracle of each other.
From the beginning to the end, life is a school, complete with individualized tests and challenges. When we've learned all we can possibly learn, and when we have taught all we can possibly teach, we return home.
It's sometimes hard to see what the lessons are. It's difficult to understand, for example, that children who die at age two may have come here to teach their parents about compassion and love. Not only may we have difficulty understanding what is being taught, we may never know which lessons we're supposed to master. It would be impossible to master them all perfectly, and there are undoubtedly some dragons we're not supposed to slay this lifetime. Somtimes not slaying them is the lesson. It's easy to look at someone and say, "Oh, it's so sad, he didn't get the lesson of forgiveness before he died." But maybe he still learned what he was supposed to. Or perhaps he was presented with opportunities to learn, but chose not to. And who knows? Maybe he wasn't supposed to get the lesson by forgiving. Maybe you were offered an opportunity to get the lesson of forgiveness by watching him. While we all learn, we also all teach.
When people are buffeted by seemingly endless windstorms and their lives look like calamities, they may wonder why they have been given so many tests, and why God appears to be so merciless. Going through hardship is like being a rick in a tumbler. You're tossed to and fro and get bruised, but you come out more polished and valuable than ever. You are now prepared for even bigger lessons, bigger challenges, and a bigger life. All the nightmares are turned into blessings that become part of living. If we had shielded the Grand Canyon from the windstorms that created it, we would ot see the beauty of its carvings. That may be why so many patients have told us that if they could magically go back to the point right before they got their cancer or other life-challenging disease, and erase what was to come, they would not.
In so many ways, loss shows us what is precious, while love teaches us who we are. Relationships remind us of ourselves and provide wondrous opportunities for growth. Fear, anger, guilt, patience and even time become our greatest teachers., Even in our darkest hours we are growing. It;s important that you know who you are in this lifetime. In our growth even our greatest fear, death, becomes less & less. Think about what Michelangelo pointed out: "If life was found to be agreeable, then so should death be. It comes from the hand of the same master." In other words, the same hand that gives us life, happiness, love, and more isn't going to make death a horrible experience. As someone once said, endings are just the beginnings backwards.
One of the most surprising lessons our teachers offer is that life doesn't end with the diagnosis of a life-challenging illness -- that's when it truly begins. It begins at this point because when you acknowledge the reality of your death, you also have to acknowledge the reality of your life. You realized that you are still alive, that you have to live your life now, and that you only have this life now. The primary lesson the dying teach us is to live every day to its fullest.
When was the last time you really looked at the sea? Or smelled the morning? Touched a baby's hair? Really tasted and enjoyed food? Walked barefoot in the grass? Looked into the blue sky? These are all experiences that, for all we know, we may never get again. It's always eye-opening to hear the dying say that they just want to see the stars one more time, or to gaze out on the ocean. Many of us live under the stars, but do we ever look up at the sky? Do we really touch and taste life, do we see and feel the extraordinary, especially in the ordinary?
There is a saying that every time a baby is born, God has decided that the world will continue. In the same way, every day you wake up, you've been given another day of life to experience. When was the last time you fully experienced that day? You don't get another life like this one. You will never again play this role and experience this life as it's been given to you. You will never again experience the world as in this life, in this set of circumstances in quite this way, with these parents, children, and families. You will never have quite this set of friends again. You will never experience the earth with all its wonders in this time again.
Don't wait for one last look at the ocean, the sky, the stars, or a loved one. Go Look Now.
my friend Kelsey asked me a few months ago whether I had had a figured it all out, whether I'd yet had my "lightbulb" moment in Oz where everything suddenly came together & made sense.
I explained to her that I'd had many little moments, like the bulbs on a string of mini-Christmas lights, and they were all turning all in their own time, in bright beautiful colours.
a few things I've learned and will take with me for every day from here on in:
- every time you come across a situation that seems like a pain in the ass, don't look at it as a negative, look at it as a challenge, something to be positively overcome, and in the end, you will be stronger.
- when the sun comes out, get out in the sun (but wear your sunscreen :)) sun = happy
- no one can replace your mom
- the most valuable "moments" in life are gatherings of family & friends (these are the only times I felt like I was missing out and I wanted to be home)
- "home" can be anywhere; it's true when they say "home is where the heart is"
- each friend you have serves a different purposes for you, supports you in different ways. cherish them all.
- true friendships take years to create & nurture.
- when it comes down to it, you really don't "need" anything except food, water, shelter, a few items of clothing, and, friends. we simply want too much. is everything you possess really needed?
- we could use a little reminder of the value of the earth, return to our roots a bit, move away from processed and back to natural. what seems like a small thing but feels amazing is walking barefoot. we don't do it in Canada because it's too cold! but try it more this summer.
- money is for enjoying; it can always be made again.
- with risk comes reward; once we overcome our biggest fears, we wonder why we worried so much about it in the first place and didn't JUST DO IT.
- we're all going to have ups & downs, and some days you just can't bring yourself to smile and be positive, but at least be grateful for every day, and do try to treat each day like it's your last; no one ever knows what day might be the last for those and their loves ones.
- there are some people that can and they are interesting creatures, but most people won't travel the world forever - at some point you'll begin to understand why you might want to consider "growing some moss".
- anything is possible for good people who put their minds to it.
I knew I would get to a point in Oz where the string of lights was complete, for me, at this time, where I'd learnt enough, where this adventure would feel conquered, and I would be ready to come home.
if you want to borrow the book, to learn or be reminded of Life's Lessons too, it's coming home with me, on August 6th.
love, peace, happiness and good fortune to all.
shan
